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Mar. 3rd, 2011

Yea.. my journal has seriously gone friends only. I should find one of those cute banners to display.

CINCO es un numero magical!

I started college five years ago. Let's recap the last five years...

Year 1:
* Had an AMAZING experience in the dorm as a freshman. Dormmates barely ever say me as I was always out and about with other folks in other buildings/rooms.
*Did a two month stint as a ride operator at Six Flags.
*Lost my virginity in one of the most ridiculous (and retold) ways possible.
*Learned that I have romantic fingers.

Year 2:
*Moved into my first apartment with Ryan.
*Was severely poor, despite having my first relevant job at Swim 'N Sport.
*Lost a best friend in a horrific and devastating experience for the second time in my life.
*Still fucking pissed about that damn Justin Timberlake concert.

Year 3:
*Hired at the Georgia Aquarium!
*Got my car, with much pain and suffering, from my father.
*Got a great deal renting a room from someone I graduated high school with.
*Met Mike who turned out to be one of the most meaningful relationships I could have established with another human being.
*Travelled to UK to visit Ryan, which was beyond amazing.

Year 4:
*Moved into my second apartment with Mike.
*Went to VEGAS, the Grand Canyon, and California.
*Started at Marriott (YAY!) in Starbucks (BOO!).

Year 5:
*Started my final semester with a grand total of 9 hours.. which still turned out to be a ridiculous amount of work.
*Totalled my car in the epic flood of 09. "Do you remember the 21st night of September?"
*Moved in with Mike's parents for 3 months.
*Father decides to forget I exist because I'm not who he wants to be. One less hypocritical bigot in my life.
*Spent the week of Thanksgiving in NYC.. my first time there.
*Found new (MUCH BETTER) job after an excruciating 2 months of searching.

Since then, just been working, sleeping, hanging out and trying to make time for the dozens of people that I need to make time for. Now (delightfully) complicated by the addition of a wonderful European.

Two more hours.. followed by four straight additional nights of 3-11 shifts. But after that, PARAMORE and TEGAN & SARA!!! :D

Busy day tomorrow

So on the agenda tomorrow:

*Finish laundry
*Go see mom at her job
*Spend quality time with Mr. Zac
*Go to Corner Tavern for some Adult Trivia
*Spend time with the bf & friends when they get out of class

Busy, busy day. :)

As for my patriotism for the year

I leave you with this:

What's my dating persona?

The Nurse
Random Gentle Sex Dreamer (RGSD)

Friendly and eager. Sexy in white. You are The Nurse.
Like your male counterpart, The Poolboy, you’re a fun and goofy, but giving, friend. You believe that life and love should be taken with a grain of salt. We’ll bet you smile a lot, which people find contagious.
If only they knew the reason...the fact is, you spend WAY more time fantasizing than the average girl. While your friends lean desperately towards love, you’re chemically biased towards anti-love: sex. You’d never date someone you didn’t find immediately kissable.
To maximize satisfaction, you should find someone carefree and sexual, just like you. Avoid Brutal types at all costs. A final bit of advice: experience doesn’t matter. You didn’t qualify as a Master, and your perfect match need not either.

I would say this is pretty accurate.. although I'm more open to love and romance then the summary suggests. Apparently, I should go for other Nurses, or The Window Shopper, or The Poolboy or The Boy Next Door. I prefer someone random.. more so than deliberate. I don't want anyone brutal. Love or sex oriented is fine with me (unless you're extreme with it like Adam.. who is definitely The Slow Dancer (deliberate gentle love dreamer), and I guess I'd rather have a dreamer than a master. I don't want someone who is extra experienced.. I rather explore new options together. So yea.. that leaves me with a guy or girl who is RGSD or RGLD, which are the personas I mentioned previously.

Are we a match? lol.. I doubt it if you're on my f-list.
What's your dating persona?
I think I want to move to Austin..

Never thought of myself as a Texan. Never thought life would give me any of the experiences I've had.. we live, we learn, we adapt, we grow.

Now I want to make a choice that's finally on MY terms and not just life throwing me for a spin. I love Atlanta, but my time here has reached its end. Time to start a new life. It'll be a breath of fresh air. If even dry, hot air. :p

The timing is perfect. W Austin is opening in December. My lease is up at the end of January. I can find affordable, nice living in Austin. I can apply to be supervisor and make a bit more monies. I just need to go down and talk to HR in October-ish when my 6 months is up and I'm eligible to switch positions.

It's an exciting prospect. It's something that I want to make happen for myself. Get on the path to becoming the adult I was meant to be. Get mixed in to the interesting crowd Austin is sure to offer.
Tonight's been surprisingly smooth so far. Here's hoping it stays that way. I don't need people to start acting crazy while I'm trying to run the reports like last night.

I spoke WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too fucking soon.

I dunno..

Where my head is at today. I feel eerily calm and mellow. I got some sleep today, for which I am uber grateful to Zac for letting me use his bed so I didn't have to suffer through that construction business.

I'm numb to the fact that I'm sitting here on my own, in the dark while it's pouring outside. I have people in route to spend time with me, but as of now I can only take small comfort in that. I'll perk up once they actually arrive. I think that is also the knowledge of having to be at work in 3 hours and that we'll only have a little while to spend together between tonight and when they leave tomorrow night, after which AGAIN I have to report for work. Oh and btw, my work schedule for next week SUCKS. I only have one day off. Wednesday. But I'm going to get a good amount of overtime. That along with adding a dollar an hour for every hour spent on the clock between midnight and 7 AM, my paycheck on the 11th is going to be SWEET. I'm pretty friggin excited about about that payoff for all of this hard freaking work. And I'm on my own tonight. I have all the tools and I have my trainer's phone number in case of questions but I'm not starting the audit til 2:30.. and sometimes F&B won't give me their reports until like 4 if it's busy, which it IS on the weekends. So I'll only call her if absolutely necessary. I already made quite an error last night. But I'm sure I have everything done now. The main concern is remember out of the bazillion reports that print out, which ones need to be sorted into which stack. Ugh. It's all good. I can do it. Well I have to.. but that's besides the point. I'm glad I can put this on my resume. Cause I'm coming for that supervisor position within the next 9 months. Yes sir!

I need to find something to lose myself in. One of the problems with untreated depression is that you lose interest in just about everything. So the things that were once a comfort to me, I barely have an interest in. I just sit in my "cell" with my own fuckery as my only company. Some days are better than others. Today is better. I'm numb to the fact that I'm alone, but I'm not necessarily okay with it.. which is what I want to work towards. Because at this point, if I'm at home then 9 times out of 10 I am by myself. So I have to work on being okay with that. I can be so independent except I don't have the slightest clue how to comfort myself. Even now after all this time. I don't take any comfort in myself.. in being alone. How the hell do I fix that? Because this is my life.. and there's no one to walk in a rearrange it for me. I was even with Mike earlier, before I left for Zac's.. I took no comfort in his being there. I got home before he did. He comes in and turns on the TV. I go get some food, come back and eat and then I leave for Zac's. I might as well had been alone. At this point I pretty much have the apt to myself.. I should take advantage of that. Just don't know how to yet.

Another thing on the ever growing list of things to work on are my insecurities. I don't feel loved because there's no one to hold my hand 24 hours of the day. What kind of shit is that? Feeling like I'm destined to be alone, single, abandoned, not needed.. just STOP the madness already. My brain's at civil war. I can literally feel the battle between logic and bullshit. They're both strong sides.

But I want to live. What kind of a life is based on a series of distractions to take away from how you always feel like crap. Why do I always have to feel like crap? The problem has never been knowing the destination, it's always been "how the hell do I go about getting there?"

Well the company's here. Time to eat and party with the awesome people before work! :D

Has it really been nearly a year?

Oh wow. Hello old friends. I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. SO much has happened. Well.. of course a lot has happened, it's been 11 months since my last post. How dare I go so long?! I miss this place. I should come back regularly. I remember having to stay away for a while because I was going through things with people who have access to my posts. I remember always having to be so vague when I wrote about my issues. lol Hopefully I won't have to do that anymore.. although I think I still may.

Life has been really chaotic. My mood has been completely unstable because of my not being on meds.. which I should get back on. I should also get back into therapy. Reason being is that I've let the depression get really bad again. Ever felt like your mind is a jail cell? That's what this is like.. and all my insecurities boil over in my head. The biggest one of all is loneliness. To the point where it's ridiculously noticable when I'm alone and it makes me latch on to my roommate who is barely there as it is.

My social life is still pretty active, but I'm finding it much harder to meet people now that I've graduated. Not to mention I still hang out for the most part in gaytown. I'm tired of gay men. lol. Actually I'm tired of men period. After talking to several people, I've concluded that there is no such thing as a considerate man. The exceptions are already taken. As for women.. that's a whole other story. I'm waiting for the day when someone steps into my life and for ONCE things are simple and smooth. Everything's so fucking complicated. People can never just.. be.

I've realized some things about myself and how I used to relate to people. I used to be used and abused.. and I allowed myself because I thought I was doing a service. It made me happy to make others happy. Now I know that I deserved to get back what I put into my friendships. I used to give so much of myself to friends, whether they asked for it or not. I completely drained myself. I recently came to the conclusion that I needed to distance myself from my roommate, only to find out that I didn't have enough emotional support for myself to stand alone. I was crippled. I was compromised. I had to latch on to him even though I wanted to back away. Throw in my overwhelming loneliness and my discovery of the fact that my physical and emotional needs are tied together (which explains my severe affection whoredom) and it's a recipe for disaster.

I feel like a 22 yo emo kid. Still there are some things that I have to admit are going well for me.. like my job. I traded the job I hated for a job I love. Where I feel needed and where I feel like my work is important. www.stregisatlanta.com It's very fullfilling and the pay is nice. More than other people get paid for essentially doing the same thing, only a bit more productivity is expected from us. So I can't complain there. Like now.. I'm working the overnight shift this week. I still have 5 hours left and it's really weird having to remain focus. The audit takes concentration.. more than it feels like I can spare at 3 AM.. but it's worth it.

Anywho.. I've said enough for the evening. I'll be back again.. I'll make sure of it. :)

at caribou

So I suppose I'm breaking some kind of code by drinking Caribou coffee.. then again I am cocurrently employed at another hotel, so I don't think it makes a difference in the slightest.

Today was very odd. I was in the hardcore "bored with life" funk that I couldn't snap out of for the life of me. I stopped by my job and got my check and then deposited it in the bank. Then I got a yum yum salad from Fellini's and watched like four movies. Mike came home for the last one and a half and my mood got a lot better. I haven't mentioned on here yet, but I mentioned it to him. I figured out that he gives me a real peace of mind that I don't really get from anyone else. He can make so much of the bad go away. Without him, my mind spirals into deep, depressing places. I get so lonely.. and I don't understand why. OK, of course.. it's the synapsis misfirings that I'm prone to. I have been OK in the past.. my brain has been acting up recently.. guess I may be coming out of remission. GREAT.

Figures.. I've been going through so much recently it's ridiculous. All the friends in the world don't take away this loneliness.. just makes the day a smidge brighter. Mike's got Andy, whom he's completely enamoured with, thank God. I'm so glad this isn't Topher part two, cause he deserves a true relationship. He's been spending the night there and a lot of times I end up passing out cause of being awake for 17 hours. But I have been off and I'm enjoying my little break. I've seen the fab Marina and Seneca and now I'm with Elijah, Nakitah, and Zac at Caribou.

I wonder if I'm coming out of the phase I was in. The "anti-relationship/pro-single" phase. I hope not.. it's SO refreshing not worrying about it for a change. Is it in my nature to be this needy? I don't feel needy.. I feel deprived. Like a person forced to live on apples and celery and being forbidden to enjoy anything else.. ever. At least I'm smart enough to know that finding romance wouldn't be the END ALL SOLUTION to my issues. That's what anti-depressants are for. haha.

But I told Mike that he clears my head and offers me peace of mind.. which is soooo helpful. But I'm looking for someone to fill the other voids. I want someone's arms around me.. the warmth and protection and peace of knowing that someone out there is thinking about me and wanting to be with me and counting down the minutes til they see me again. Now he has that with Andy.. and I'm still stuck on this lonely road. But I know now to stop looking. It has to find me. I'm done with looking and trying. It is what it is. I'm going to work on and focus on loving me and providing for me. Being all that I need. I am all that I need.. I just have to feel it as well. :)